strip joint saturday night (revision)

[machinery]

i revised it yet again! actually i'm going over to my buddie's justin to try to lay down a spoken word track tonite. so, that's why i revised it.

tell me what you think.

***

lights of disco
blinking flickering
spreading against
walls and loads
of fresh-fruit skin
just picked from
the Garden of
Eden. everything
a different path
moving about
the room, sporadic
light sequences
loosely dressed ladies
and their curves,
the gathered men
and their momentary
cheer and the walls
jutting and cutting,
surrounding the sweat
and smile and
shininess of skin.
immersed in the
show of sparkling
bodies swaying
and prancing,
bulbous boob jobs
and treadmill thighs.
oh...
drag from cigarette.
smoke stealing
my lungs, running
out of my mouth
to join this strip
joint's haze.
the music is as loud
as car crashes
with collections of
chuckles and
drunken
commotion in
interrupted
intervals.
sounds bombarding
from every inch
of this eighteen
and over closed
door establishment.
from a raised booth,
the raspy voice
of an old man
standing in sooty
shadows, booms
behind a microphone.
his long grey hair
twists like tops
with his introductions
of the slamming torsos
ready to shake.
it's her angelic hair
and magazine ad
material legs
that causes my
mouth to form an
oh.
the small moment
of ink on her right bosom
is weird, yet precise.
her stomach gleams
like a sunned river;
her form twisting
and grinding
about the tile
and faces of men.
her name was Vanity
and she sauntered off
stage five minutes
after Saturday's
summation.
my eyes follow her
exit, her backside
waggling left and right
like a dog's tail.
and now i'm lost
in the pace of the room's
sounds, bouncing
and beating, hand
claps and ass slaps...
human noise!
head whiplashes
trying to conquer
angles, finding ways
to more beautiful
bodies.
i eye an old pussy
one handing around
a tacky gold pole.
yeah...
and here comes my
latina lady. her
mysterious caramel
skin an opponent
against her green
grape dress.
she dances
upon presidents'
faces and tosses
her titillating titties
about the air.
Vanity... her
nipples a suggestion
of summer's shade.
her face resembles
experience from
inner city action.
her excited brows,
her crystal ball eyes
and her glamour shot
grin...
pink ripples comprise
her full lips that
holds her moist licks
waiting for tasteful
arrangements.
sensuous urges
and marvelous moans,
gentle gnaws
and seductive
sucks... her
hot heavy breathing!
now her heel
clicking is coming
my way; her hips
like swings.
her eyes locking
on mine, sensing
the bewilderment.
a tap of her
index finger...
a touch! a feel!
(what are you doing)
her voice!
a tickle against
the hideousness
of our surroundings.
she frightened me
at first, like she just
wanted to dance
on my teenage
legs for a nights'
pay of six inch
print, wadded
and tucked deep
in my left pocket.
a small presence
of clothing hides
her sweet center
kiss and outer
pink curtain
that i so want to
touch!
to really see...
to indulge in
and completely
ravish...
but i can't ?
not enough bills
could pay for
her spectacularity.
and more girls
dance, enchanting
forms, full to the brim
with features,
pushing sales pitches
to the cymbal clashes
and bass drums.
yes, they're good,
but not a want in my
on-going slideshow.
so i wonder where
Vanity is ? yes ?
Vanity.
head is on a quick
swivel,
blurriness of beer,
butts and boobs...
beautiful confusion.
and GOD DAMN
Vanity, where did your
latina legs take you?
she interests me
and she will be
the one out of all
these bare skin
posers on that tile
in front of those awful
money giving men
i
will
remember.
this strip joint Saturday
night prose has expired
in this Sunday hour.
soft gospel winds
with the rising of Christ
over the horizon has
overtaken the Devil's
silly mannered moon.
and just like the moon,
the dancing woman,
with their tan, stretched,
bouncing skin, leave,
prancing slowly
and delicately like
spiders, behind dark
curtains.
all the jazz of the men,
having been pushed
to the furthest arteries
of life in a sweat shop
that produces cheap
dreams and wanted
sleaze.

[Hannibal]

Personally - I can't wait to hear the spoken version.

[Fliptastic29]

Awesome is about all i can say. I felt like i was there. Good rythm or maybe it was the way i was reading it. Superb usage of the Metaphors. Um... Don't know much else i can say